life under a microscope

As I mentioned before I would be getting back to Jerry's Jerrisms, and I will not allow my word to be anything but solid. Lets begin with last nights events (endless material), but let me first explain something. While in a place like this petty, minuscule issues are placed under a magnifying glass and blown up to 100 times what they should be. Things such as running out of toothpaste, not having a cigarette and receiving a weird glance, turn into major conflicts, wars...grown men , who's problems before they came here do not even compare to the issues going on in "normal" citizens lives, throw tantrums over the things that they would otherwise brush off. It is said that when you start using drugs your emotional maturity is halted, and I have found this to be true in both myself, and certainly in the people around me.

In this microcosm of a world little issues run riot, and if this is any indication of where the world "outside" is headed, then buckle your seat belts because the whole human race is in deep s***.

Before I tell you Jerry's latest, let me tell you about another character that is vital in the Jerry stories, for this character , Tommy, is Jerry's Nemesis. Tommy the cook, and former client, could be a whole story in itself. Tommy is the "kitchen Nazi", a man who treats the meal plan as if the budget is based on what he has in his pocket, a tight ass if you will. If its not on the menu its doesn't come out of the kitchen, rather it just gets thrown out when it sits there long enough to grow mold, or any other bacteria that is manifested in expired perishables, and let me assure you I am positive there are bacteria in that kitchen that are not yet known to modern science. When you ask Tommy for , lets say hot sauce, his reply is " its not on the menu, accept it" and when you attempt to explain that something, anything is needed to add flavor to his bland , over cooked food, he replies "dis is terapy" in a Jamaican accent, hes from somewhere non-domestic. Its like a mix between Jamaican and Mexican, I cant quite put my finger on it, nor do I want to , I have no desire whatsoever to understand what type of place breeds his kind. And oh yeah I forgot, he spent all of his money on a expensive SUV that has been converted to a mobile home, and everyone in the house is suspicious of an overly intimate relationship with his daughter, but we will leave that up to the gossip to take care of.

Back to Jerry.
Last night we had, as we do every Monday, "Chicken Fried Steak" which coincidentally is the same thing we have for Sunday lunch, only on Sunday its called a "chicken patty", where the reason for this was created I have no idea, and like Tommy's country of origin i really have no desire to inquire. Well when Jerry went through the line, he supposedly received less mash potatoes then the fellow family member before him. Jerry wasn't happy with this, and Jerry was determined to let everyone know, to the outside observer it would appear he just wanted what was owed to him, but I know Jerry, and Jerry likes opportunities like this to cause a wake throughout the house. Jerry proceeded to throw a tantrum in the middle of the line holding everyone up that was waiting for their wonderful chicken patty, I mean chicken fried steak. Saying things like "are you f****** with me, really? this is how you treat people? do you want me to cause a scene (to late for that)?" Jerry then marched off as a two year old would after he was unable to attain the final chocolate chip cookie before his brother swooped in like a raven to scoop it out of his grasp. It didn't stop with his sitting at the table, Jerry then decided that it would be appropriate to spat profanities with a mouth full of his food at his plate as he ate, as if it were the foods fault for not landing on his plate in the superfluous manner he would have preferred.

In reality people want Jerry gone, and they do things like this so he blows a gasket and leaves, but unfortunately for everyone present Jerry refuses to leave. Jerry has nowhere to go, Jerry is the type of person that collects cans, and scares the shit out of you when you are standing at your car putting away groceries when offers to take your shopping cart back to the docking station for a quarter, this is the type of life Jerry lives, and even Jerry is smart enough to realize that where he is now is a better place then where he was, even if he doesn't get the amount of mash potatoes that would be just.

I have attempted to talk to Jerry, unlike others I have no desire to force him out, if he is going to go then fine, but I will not be the one to force someone back into in a life on the streets, I have been there, I have no desire to go back. Just the other day I pointed out to Jerry that it is obvious that people want him gone, he made it that way, he forced people to act in this manner, but it doesn't mean he cant change it, just because things are the way they are doesn't mean they should be. Jerry takes everything personal, and refuses to leave a grudge where it belongs, in the past. When someone has wronged Jerry he gives them a stare every time he encounters his antagonize, a stare that could cut through steel, a stare that suggest something very violent in the near future. I sincerely told Jerry that he must begin to worry about himself and not buy into what the others are trying to sell him, a one way ticket back to the drug life.

I think everyone could apply this to their lives, people walk around self-conscious always worrying about what others will think , whether or not they will be accepted...myself included. Our way of life is practically shaped by these fears, how we dress, how we present ourselves, how we act in the presence of strangers, its all out of fear. We refuse to "get naked" and show others our authentic selves because god forbid someone may not like us or accept us as their own. I know because I live in this fear, and on the flip side I also cast the very judgments that create that fear, its a viscous cycle, and an awful way to live, but that's what we are used to , walking on eggshells as to not disturb the society around us and perhaps draw the eyes of judgmental spectators. And when we are judged we have the nerve to take it personal, rather then shaking it off and understanding that the person who cast the judgments are in the wrong, we accept their condemnation as reality. We mistake our thoughts and feelings for reality, when in REALITY they can always be changed, we just need to stay mindful of this and recognize when we are fearful so we can change our perceptions.

I am in no way attempting to step up onto a soap box, I only express this because I am sick of living this way, and I am sick of watching others around me leave for the streets, die, or live in fear because we fail to recognize the power we have over our on lives, over our own realities.